


Mission Status: SEX

by Tricheliette



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Crack Treated Seriously, Don't question it, I'm Sorry, M because there is sexytime, M/M, also English is not my mother tongue so it's probably unreadable, it's so bad please don't read it, people have spaceships for dicks, spacedicks, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-10-31 13:19:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17850197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tricheliette/pseuds/Tricheliette
Summary: AU set in the far future, where humanity was unable to find another hospitable planet. Thus, it has abandoned its dreams of expanding throughout the universe, and fell back to trying to give humanity a nice end of life. Shiro is an astrophysicist who, tired from life, wishes to get accepted into the mysterious V Progam, who is rumored to be a last attempt at finding another home in the stars. And what if, rather than humanity's last hope, the Program would allow Shiro to find love ?Also, people have spacedicks (spaceships as dicks).





	1. Ground Control

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DracoSH](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoSH/gifts).



> "dracoSH (10/02/2019)  
> (si c'était une vraie fic i would unironically enjoy this)"  
> Surprise! I_bet_you_thought_youd_seen_the last_of_me.gif  
> Happy birthday my beuh! And remember: you brought this onto yourself. :D
> 
>  
> 
> For anyone else that might stumble upon this: I am not a native English speaker and have seen one (1) episode of Voltron. This is very badly written. I am so, so sorry for this. Run while you still can.

       Which came first, the spaceship or the dick? Well, that was the age-old question. Nobody really knew, although generations of scientists and historians had torn their hair out on the subject. Humanity was old, older than anything, and much of its history had been lost in time. Nonetheless, people had spacedicks. And docking stasstions. But was there a time before that? These days, you'd have to go to the South Pole to see a (mostly) drone-less sky, and most populated areas were covered by translucent, flying solar panels that provided renewable energy and clean air to humanity. People knew they had not always been surrounded by technology, although it was hard to accept. How did humans live before? Today artificial limbs worked as well as normal ones – Shiro could attest that – but was there really a time where not having a full set of legs or arms or eyes was an issue? Today, humanity was at its zenith. Today, humanity was dying.

 

       Shiro sighed. He was not an alarmist by any means, but that was true. Everyone knew that humanity was doomed, although it was still hard for some to accept it. No last-minute miracle habitable planet had been found, and the Earth was beyond help. All we could do was to do our best to extend the blue planet's lifespan, and hope that society would stand in peace until the end. And yet, people kept on living. Sometimes, when he was tightening his tie, Shiro asked his reflection in the mirror why he bothered going to work, when soon it would not matter anymore. Well, predictions showed that he still had time, actually, and that he would probably die before the Great Falling Asleep or whatever people called it these days. But still. Was there any point in living anymore?

 

       Well. He might not be an alarmist, but he was for sure depressed. ''I should look into that'', Shiro thought with the emotionless detachment that accompanied him at all times nowadays. He would not do anything, of course, the same way he had not done anything those past few years. At least he still got up in the morning to get to work. That was something, right? Even though he was always late? Shiro raised his head just in time to see the gate to his workplace, the Kakuda Space Center. The old building was in poor shape, even though it had been renovated hundreds of times. "Nothing can last forever, I guess," whispered Shiro, before shaking his head. He had to stop with the negative thoughts, his psychiatrist had told him. And today was an important day, he had to radiate positive energy if he wanted to get accepted into the V Program. He straightened up and ran his hand into his bleached hair. He had worked so hard for this chance to leave Kakuda and its dusty, old-fashioned scientists. No one truly knew what the V Program exactly was, but it was rumored to be the one last attempt to venture into deep space in hope of finding something, anything, that could help Earth and its inhabitants. Fat chance, had thought a lot of his colleagues, but at least it meant working on something else than star charts or the intensity of the latest solar flares. Moreover, the secrecy around the project made it attractive by itself. Shiro tried to display a warm smile - more of a rictus, really - before entering the building. Just stop looking like you wanna die and everything will be fine! If he looked more approachable, he would undoubtedly be chosen for the Program, right? Competition was not as though as he had expected, actually - only him and Pr. Sendak were truly interested, as it was a New American initiative and most of the scientists here liked their lifestyle and habits far too much. Leaving for the United States was an ordeal: in a world were everything had been done and everywhere had been explored, people liked their corner of peace and quiet, and few were ready to shake their habits. So. Just him. And Pr. Sendak. Sendak was older than him - most of his colleagues were, as space had not been an attractive field of work for a long time - but he was much more stubborn than him, which could become problematic. Shiro had the talent and the experience, but Sendak knew how to talk to people, and how to manipulate them. He had stolen several projects from Shiro already, who suspected that Sendak wanted to be chosen for the Program only because the younger man had shown interest in it.

 

      Shiro was so engrossed in his thoughts that he did not realize that his steps had mechanically led him of his department's office. He could now hear muffled voices from the other side of the wall. He wasn't that late, was he? As he was pondering over whether to enter or not, the door opened and a mustachioed man left the room, followed by a young, dark-haired man. As Shiro stepped away, the mustachioed man looked at him and smiled broadly.

"Here you are, my boy! You look even more impressive in person. You'll make a fine leader, eh? Aah, it takes me back, really, because, you know, when I was a fine lad-"

       As the man rambled on, Shiro wondered how old this man was. Few were those who dared call him "boy", not with his build and height, but this scrawny guy clearly didn't care. This was off to a great start... Wait, did that mean he had been accepted into the V Program? Right as Shiro opened his mouth to ask, he laid his eyes upon the second man, a younger one, with a mullet. Handsome. Shiro forgot what he was going to say, and instead left his jaw hanging, half-astonished by his handsomeness and half by his choice of haircut. The young man in question glanced at him and followed the mustachioed man, who had apparently left as soon as the had appeared.

"Hey, why's your mouth open? Looks like you're waiting for flies to fly in."

So it _was_ Sendak inside, with the two mysterious strangers. Shiro tried to regain his composure and coughed.

"It's nothing, I was just thinking. Hey, what was that all about? Who were they?"

"The overseer of the V Program and his little _protégé._ " Sendak has almost spat the word, as if just thinking about the young man disgusted him. "They came earlier than planned because they wanted to see us in our 'natural habitat', whatever that meant. Guess they still didn't know who to chose. Dumbasses. 'm almost glad I wasn't..."

"What? Does that mean..?"

"Clearly they wanted some zombie who dyes their hair like they're still a rebellious teenager and who comes late to work everyday. For a leadership position." Geez. They both knew they couldn't stand each other, but even for Sendak, that was harsh. As Shiro didn't reply, the older man said to himself.

"Just because of that kid... 'said he felt bad vibes. But what does he know... 's'probably because I'm too old for him. For a PR position, you'd want a younger guy, but what good does it makes if the guy's useless..." Sendak shook his head and started to leave towards the central elevator. He turned back to Shiro, still standing there.

"Hey! You're gonna crash and burn, kid. Don't say I didn't warn you."

It was the second time that day someone called him "kid". Shiro didn't like that very mu- wait, did that mean that he was _in_? That he had been chosen over Sendak? Well, now it was far too late to make a little victory dance in front of his rival, but Shiro grinned nonetheless. Take that, you jerk!

  
  


...

  
  


...Wait a minute.

  
  


  
  


He had said... A _leadership_ position, right?

 

 


	2. Mission Status

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry. It was not supposed to be this long?? It was just supposed to be quick nsfw crack??? Not pages of useless worldbuilding????

     It had only taken a few day for the guys from the Program to contact him. Shiro hadn't known what to expect, and the message he had received in his mailbox didn't help him much. Just a date, a place, and a mention to only take the bare necessities for a stay abroad. Shiro was not a wealthy man by any means and as such had managed to put most of his belongings in a single suitcase. He had also taken with him a shoulder bag, for the important stuff, but that was all. When he got to the place of the meeting, he was led to a large private jet and left alone inside. Soon after, the mustachioed man – who then introduced himself as Coran – entered. Shiro felt a twinge of disappointement when he didn't see the other man – the one with the questionable haircut – following him. He refused to admit it but he had had some... heated dreams involving the dark-haired man. It was embarrassing that he would get himself in such a state for someone he had only met once in passing.

 

     Interrupting his thoughts, Coran sat in front of him with a smile and started explaining what the deal was. Shiro was to lead a small team of scientists from different fields, and to oversee them in their completion of the schematics of a new spaceship. "Bigger than any previous one" had said Coran, stars in his eyes. "Earth can't accomodate everyone anymore, right? And there probably isn't any habitable planet we can reasonably travel to. But what if we could live _in_ space?" The idea was to build a huge spaceship where people could live, like a floating appartment complex. To expand over the atmosphere. One spaceship at first, and then as much as needed. The main gimmick of the concept was that there would be detachable parts, just like a lego set. If people needed a garden for oxygen, Earth could send them one that they could attach to the spaceship. A ever-expanding spaceship, customised according to the needs of the population. And that's where Shiro was needed: their team had biologists, sociologists, engineers, but they needed someone to make all of that work in _space_.

Well. This was... Not such a bad idea, actually. If they could make it work...

"And you've met Keith, already, of course, I hope you two will get along well, he's supposed to be your second in com-"

Wait. "Who?" Was he talking about...

"Oh, you know, the young man, dressed in red, he was with me the other day. With the-" Coran made weird hand gestures "-the _hair_?"

Oh thank god. Shiro was not the only one baffled by the mullet.

"Oh. You said he was gonna be my..."

"Yes, your second in command. He's the most talented pilot we have. Launching things into space is good and all, but you have to garantee they go where you want them to, right? Oh, I know, let's say hi!"

"Wh-"

Coran grabbed him by the arm and pushed him towards the cockpit.

Oh.

Of course.

Keith had been in the jet all along.

Just.

Y'know.

Flying it.

Alright. Cool.

"Why don't you two get to know each other a bit?" And with that, Coran was gone.

The man clearly had some talent for disappearing when most needed.

 

Well. Here he was. No going back. Trapped in a small room with a guy he had had embarassing dreams with for the past few days. What could go wrong?

 

Surprisingly, Keith looked as unconfortable as him. He was figdeting in his chair and looked everywhere but at him. Great. But Shiro was supposed to be the leader, and he had to show his dominance over his colleagues as soon as possible – no way he would let anyone walk all over him like Sendak had done – and so he set aside the screaming part of his brain and sat down next to Keith.

 

 

"So. Erm. I've been told you're good with.. flying things?"

Keith reddened, but kept his composure. Did he say something wrong?

"Yes, sir."

"I look forward to working with you. I'm Shiro." Shiro extended his hand and Keith, slightly turning towards him, shook it. They both smiled, and Keith relaxed, finally allowing himself to look at Shiro.

"So, where did you learn to fly like that?"

  


***

 

 

It had not taken long before they became friends. It was rather surprising to Shiro, who never had real friends in his field of work, but he was not going to complain. The rest of the team was very friendly as well, and more often than not they often found themselves drinking or playing board games late after work in the common room.

Life was good.

And it seemed like he had a special connection to Keith as well. Some... chemistry. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking? Shiro did not want to force Keith's hand, as the latter must be thinking that they were just friends.

Yeah. Just friends.

"Just friends" was okay.

Unfortunatly, his spacedick disagreed with that. Sometime, when he was with Keith, he could feel his thrusters warming up, and had to retighten his screws most nights to prevent his spacedick from just flying away. He was here to save Earth, not to screw every cute guy on his path!

  
  


One day, though, when Shiro woke up, he knew something was wrong. Maybe he had forgotten to tighten his screws the night before. Maybe the shower was not cold enough. Maybe he was just too horny. In the end, it did not matter.

His spacedick was missing.

 

 

 


	3. In Orbit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally!! the crack!!! that I promised!!!!! in all its (hopefully) ridiculous glory!!!   
> any innuendos you might find in this chapter are intentional.

     He was responsible for the damn thing, damnit! It couldn't just _fly_ _away_ and do whatever it wanted! He had to find it and screw it back before anyone could find it. It could... destroy everything. His carreer. His relationships!

He had to make sure he had locked his door and had closed his windows the night before. It couldn't have gone far...

Welp.

Here it was.

His spacedick was on the floor, underneath the window pane. Thankfully, because he had... _tinkered_ with it the night before, it was almost out of gas, and couldn't have left the room.

That was awkward. Bathetic, even.

It was relieving, in a way, but clearly he had to take care of this problem as soon as possible. But later. Right now he had a meeting with... oh boy. This was going to be a hard day.

  
  


***

 

  
  


"Hey, you look pale. Something wrong?" Keith had asked him.

Today was Friday, which meant Weekly Flying Simulation Tests Day. Which meant that Shiro had to spend the whole day supervising Keith's test flights with the simulator. Usually these days were the best of the week, because he'd spend the day chatting with Keith, but right now this was the worst possible thing to be happening.

"Yeah, sure, I'm good. Let's get on with it."

"Aaaaaalright. What's on the menu today?"

"We have to test the launch of spaceships FO-0 and KM-3, and attempt fusing shuttles OH-6 and BJ-9 together again. I know it didn't work last week but I made a few modifications. Oh, and I've finished programming my SH-1 into the simulator. Think you'll be able to take it for a test ride? It's not the first spaceship I've designed, but I think this one has some potential."

"Sure thing. Let's start with the shuttles, I think I figured how to fuse them."

The rest of the morning was quiet. Keith trained with the simulator and made adjustments to the spaceships's settings, while Shiro gave some helpful instructions and cheered him when needed. Keith had just succeeded at a particularly hard maneuver when Shiro blurted out:

"Fly my spacedick next."

Keith froze and slowly turned towards his mentor, wide eyed and bright red.

"What?" asked Shiro, not realising what he had just said.

Suddenly, Keith was on top of him, kissing him.

Kissing him?

 _Kissing_ him?!

 _That's not what I meant_ , Shiro wanted to say, _but this is also fine_ , he added in his mind, and groaned in pleasure when he felt the shorter man pressing on his crotch. Taking charge, he stood up, grabbed Keith and ran to his room. As soon as Shiro had locked his door they went back in their kissing frenzy.

"Yes, Keith", sighed Shiro, "fly my spacedick!"

Shiro could feel his thrusters warming up, his cockpit looking for its target.

Between two gasps for air, Keith breathed "I can't believe... finally..."

"Wha... What do you mean?"

"I can't believe you never noticed the huge crush I've had on you since the day we met, you dumbass"

Well. That explained.. Quite a few things.

Shiro could now hear a weird clanking sound. "What's that?" Keith looked almost ashamed. "It's my.."

Oh. _That_.

"I'll take care of it."

     Keith laid down on the bed and, pulling his pants down, opened his docking stasstion. Shiro's thrusters made an unholy noise at the sight, and, without missing a beat, led him towards Keith's open hangar. As Shiro put himself into position, he chuckled into Keith's ear: "I'll try not to go faster than light". While he was trying to adjust himself for the runway, Shiro's cockpit sent a call for insersion, which made Keith's hangar lit up. Shiro opened his speed brakes and slowly made back and forth mouvements, rubbing his spacedick on Keith's runway. Shiro could feel the signals his cockpit was sending to Keith's ground control tower, which was rising up. Shiro was almost out of gas, but he hadn't finished putting his doors to manual mode yet. Receiving Keith's ground control tower's approval for cargo delivery, Shiro pushed his motors to their maximum speed, and opened his cargo bay. Immediatly, Keith moaned as he went to infinity and beyond. His hands grasped Shiro's bedsheets and he collapsed from pleasure. Shiro was as shaken as him, and could swear he had seen stars during take-off.  
  


     Keith had fell asleep soon after, and Shiro was stroking his ruffled hair while hugging him under the bedsheets. That had been... amazing. As if Shiro's hangar had been made for Shiro's shuttle, and vice-versa. Shiro looked up to the ceiling, a small smile forming on his lips. The V Program clearly had brought him something he did not expect. Hope for Earth, yes, but he never would have thought it could have given hope to _him_. Now, he had a good reason for protecting Earth. Now was just the begining.

 

THE END

____

 

 

Fanart by  _anonymous_

 

 

 

 


End file.
